S.A.D.

[You can read from bottom to top as well or however you wish to. Depression, Anxiety, and Suicide]

[Sniffles]

I’ve waited 3 years to write this,

Waiting for the right words and moment to do this,

And then I realized, the longer I hold back, the deeper I sink,

Ever growing like a keloid, this pain doesn’t want to shrink.

Sending me into the deepest shades of darkness,

My own mind-made hell, a tale of pain and sadness.

Digging through the trenches, all night searching for an exit,

Starting from scratch, rebuilding to take my place among the stars.

Rising from the ashes, I made a few patches.

Dark within and without, yet I take my flight towards the fight, my plight to get through the night.

The war goes on, each day battling from dusk till dawn.

To my loved ones lost,

Body’s gone but soul and spirit never lost,

Each in their caskets frost,

On the tombstones, epiphanies to the fallen

6ft deep above the land of their dreams guess they’re all in.

Will they be one again in the world beyond?

Or will the dissonance in their new realities remain?

SUICIDE (A note to my friends)

The Gong sounds with a deep bellow

Everyone’s assembled at the gallow

The hangman grins, his laughter shallow

My fear screaming out from its hollow

To the arena, the jailer, my new friend I follow

He says “on this journey, I bid you farewell cus it’s solo”

I feel my spirit crush like a squashed insect, I feel so low

A rush of wind and blood to my head, I feel the flow

Drawing closer to the slab, a guard dealt me a huge blow

My groin feels displaced, fuck! That was a low blow.

I look up to the skies and back into the eyes of my loved ones, watching, teary-eyed with long faces as I draw my last breath.

Listen to these words, my friends. I speak them with dilated pupils, tears in my eyes, tenderness in my voice, and from the deepest depths my heart can reach, I love you! And if I’m gone by tomorrow, remember the laughs we shared, the happy memories, my contagious smiles and energy, my goofy reactions, my beauty, my hair, and how I smell. Remember how I love to look good and the pride in my eyes when I say I’m beautiful? Remember my face! This might be the second thing you’ll forget. Thankfully, my pictures are here to help.

Continue to live through the beautiful memories we share. And if your heart fails to bear it, cry a little, laugh again and wail a little if it’s overwhelming. Support each other with love as I would. Massage the pain with love softly like I would when I stroke your hair while we speak, squeeze gently like I would when I shake your hands and hold your shoulders.

Let the reminiscence of my voice soothe your soul, and cherish every moment you remember it, it’s most likely what you’ll forget first. Let my words embrace you through your mind’s eye like I would when I press my perfectly sculpted body against yours when we hug. I’m sorry you might never get to experience this anymore.

Don’t force it when my memories start to fade, it’ll break you. I tell you this from experience. Just live, breathe and remember me in your little way till we meet again. Arrivederci!

ANXIETY (An ode to my arch-rival)

Is it weird if I say I’m actually anxious writing this?

Hi, my arch-rival, partner with impostor syndrome and fear, the closest sibling to Depression.

Yes, I used to be that assertive and positive kid but I no longer possess that superpower, my confidence. That’s why in Hex and Ohs I said, “Stop looking for the old me, I died”.

This is how you make me feel dear Anxiety.

My chest hurts, I can’t breathe

My eyes shut, I can’t scream

My mouth cursed, I said f*ck it!

I can’t feel it, I can’t force it

My nostalgia died

I no longer look forward to visiting home.

Every time I dream about the future,

I get anxiety pangs as I draw closer to the glory seats.

My stomach churns as I walk the streets

Staggering like one whose throat’s been gorily slit.

Palpitations in my chest, whenever I think of home.

My brain freezes, help! I’m having a seizure!

But I’d like you to know this my dear friend, allow the uncertainty to guide you, especially at that moment when everyone thinks you’ve got this but you’re actually breaking under pressure. For amid turbulence lies the silver lining you seek. And when the Ls come. Take it in silence, let the actions speak later. Let your light shine! You may ask why. Here’s my reason- We tend to magnify the problems and challenges while minimizing our wins in the process. Count every blessing as you march on

And at that moment when you have a reason to press on, pick yourself up with no delay because that’s the window, the time, the opportunity that might never be recovered. Just do it, afraid!

If the turmoils are never-ending, then you should also never stop moving. Work through the pain, drive through the mud, surf the quicksands, and dive head-on into the crashing.

And when you pray, if you do, ask God “Give me strength, fais-moi signe, a direction. Shine a ray of light in my dark tunnels to guide my path”.

Trust the process, you’ll do just fine! This is the final lap, no more uncertainty, panic attacks, or inexplicable rush of emotions. I bid you farewell as I’ve found my path.

DEPRESSION (A conversation with Alex)

Hey, my friend, I know you may not believe me when I tell you this. I’ve been depressed for the past 12 years. I’ve had my fair share of healing to an extent, I won’t lie but my relapses come back stronger. It’s been an unending circle with grief, estranged relationships, and identity crises in the spinning wheels as the potter(life) makes me who I am today.

I know you know me as the happy kid while growing up, the smart one who’s got his entire journey mapped out on a tabloid of perfection. I’m sorry but Life snatched my masterplan. Who can I blame? You tell me!

As a child, I’ve learned a lot,

The world is a perfect place, I thought

The greatest form of solitude, I sought

Until I reminisce all the battles I’ve fought

Through the darkest times, I prayed,

Hoping I’ll never go astray,

But like a ball, life got me played,

On the various paths, I’ve strayed.

[Excerpt from my Teenage Heart collection, 2018]

I’d really love to bare it all but I’m only going to share what Alex and I spoke about over a year ago. I’m sorry if this triggers you. I’m sorry if it reopens old wounds.

Alex the wife told me, “I mean, life is such that there’s as much goodness as there’s much pain. The farther you go, the more pain you may encounter”. I agree with her. Our pains differ, and our struggles separate us but in the long run, we have to let go of the ones from the past. We bear too much pain, thorns in our flesh that won’t allow the skincare routine of healing have its way.

Why am I still writhing in the pain of many years ago? Finding it hard to move on, function normally and be extremely demotivated? I merely hang on to strings of happiness I find every now and then. Every day I lie that I’m fine when I’m really not. Only a few know this.

“Let go of the ones from the past…Knowing is one thing, believing/accepting is another thing”- Alex says

The circle of grief especially doesn’t go one way. You can be in acceptance today and return to denial tomorrow. The annoying part is that for someone like me who’s actually come to this realization, it is hard to really help because I already know these things but why they’re still dragging me back is what I can’t explain.

Alex’s response still rings in my head to date

[29/07/2021, 00:30] Alex the Wife: You are being too hard on yourself you see

[29/07/2021, 00:32] Alex the Wife: You are burdened, heavy. Heavy can’t fly.

This is my story. An ode to my lost ones, an appreciation of my loved ones, a personification of grief.

Miah le Rêve